For the Youth Leader Wanting Deeper Relationships with Students
As I write this, it’s the day after a big youth game night and I have some thoughts on this generation and on community building. I thought about all the conversations I had with girls last night and the list was LONG. Everything from one student showing me a video she recorded for a Spanish assignment, to talking through summer jobs, getting learners permits, switching schools, lip gloss, and why one of them recently quit volleyball. We talked about Baja Burrito and getting baptized. We talked about worship music and fashion trends. You name it, these girls wanted to talk about it.
It got me thinking that some youth leaders might not have the same experience with their students. I got a little sentimental about the relationships that have been formed at our youth ministry and tried pinpointing a few things that helped us get there. Here are a few, hopefully not cliche, ways to get super curious.
It’s not enough to ask questions, get authentically curious. It sounds so simple but it’s the same concept as when your significant other takes an interest in your favorite Netflix show (looking at you Danny and OBX). There must be a psychological synapse that occurs when someone gets truly interested in something you’re interested in. We have students that want to go D-1 and you better believe we ask questions about scouting, college visits, practices, relationships with coaches, their thoughts about their team, what they want to keep working on, what is going well, and absolutely when their next game is. We have students who love being on stage and take theater classes and audition for every single school performance regardless of what it might be. We absolutely ask questions about set building, rehearsals, acting tips they are learning, how they warm up, if they have stage superstitions, and when tickets go on sale. Then we go with flowers and a card of encouragement.
I would be remiss to say that the exact opposite of this principle is equally true. We have a very quiet student who loves the drums. Danny and I have been to a middle school percussion concert to support him and his momma. Can you imagine the first time this student brought his drumsticks to youth, if we made a comment about how he couldn’t audition for the youth worship team, or laugh at his quirky audacity to bring drumsticks with him? What do you think would happen if we went to his band concert and he heard his spiritual leaders making fun of something that he has put so much time into? It could have a high potential to be very painful.
I am also not saying you should endorse everything your students are into. There have been times when they tell me about shows they are obsessed with that I know their parents would disapprove of. We lovingly call them higher and redirect them to better content. I am also not saying to be inauthentic. There is a solid group of students in our youth group who LOVE video games. They often bring their own gaming consoles and controllers to a Wednesday night. I know that I am not the gal to shoot the breeze about Minecraft with these bros. I also know there is a leader who absolutely can and we empower him to press into that relational sector and he absolutely does. I know those guys don’t want ME to invest in video game convos, but I know they want SOMEONE to. Knowing who you are and knowing how you can invest matters in this sense.
Embarrassing stories. There is a tendency around youth to act cool so they think you’re cool. Spoiler alert. We aren’t that cool. Some of the best convos come from telling embarrassing stories. Think about times when you did something dumb or something hilarious happened to you. Think about horrible first date stories. Think about clumsy moments. I love pulling these out for the gal who feels perfectionistic, or for the gal who also shares embarrassing moments. Keeping it light and silly is a great way to build connection.
Building trust is earned in pennies. This means it takes a long time. I don’t even feel equipped to write about how to build trust because I, myself, take a LONG time to trust people with more than the surface level of my world. Here is what I will say has been a helpful frame of reference for me: “Time x Mutual Vulnerability = Increase in Trust.” Be wise with what you share, your students don’t need to be your best friends, but when they see you be honest with your life, and invest time into them, it goes a lot farther than you think. Gen Z has an authenticity radar like none other. They can sniff out someone who isn’t there on a Wednesday night for them like none other. The opposite is true as well. One of my students pointed out that trust can flow easier and more naturally when they know that a leader genuinely cares about them.
Care outside a Wednesday. I asked one of my girls to think through what she saw as effective relationship-building with youth and leaders and she shared that when leaders remember things they share week to week and follow up on it, it means the world. The texts when a student is missing, the showing up outside church walls, and demonstrating commitment to them are defining factors for successful relationships with this generation.
I pray this serves you on your journey toward disciplining a generation to know Jesus. I pray it motivates you to pray for your students by name this afternoon. I pray you know that the influence you have in a young person’s life is something to treasure.
Okthatsallloveyoubye ✌🏼🫶🏼👍🏼
