Take Off The Pressure to Prove
An open letter to the gal who needs permission to stop performing.
Hey, sister can I just jump into the deep end with you for a second and whisper that I am also writing this post entirely for myself. This is way less about you and selfishly for me. I know that my natural bend is to lean towards performance, or striving to prove myself and I know that is not what my Heavenly Father has for me so this is a reminder for me to look back on when I start to slip into the trap of inauthentic smiles and running one hundred miles an hour only to not actually get anywhere.
I believe we have way more authority in setting culture than we might give ourselves credit for. We are the welcomers, the teachers, the life speakers. I will circle back to this, but I think if you’ve been in church circles, in a Christian college dorm room, or a small group for any amount of time, you know the times when you have sensed a healthy culture and times when it was very difficult to read the vibe. Back to setting culture in a minute.
Have you ever identified what might prompt you to fall into a Prove-Yourself-Mindset?
Vulnerably, here are some of my triggers for starting to slip into performance/striving
When I start thinking that if I don’t show up things will fall through the cracks.
That’s a savior mentality, not a team mentality. Inflated view of self. A low view of the power of God.
When dear friends ask me how I am doing and I choose to tell them something surface-level.
When I feel disconnected from those I am serving under (such as those in leadership like a boss or pastor) or disconnected from those I am serving/leading (like gals in my life group, youth students etc.).
When I sense that I am unknown or misunderstood. Cue sarah wanting to crawl into a hole.
Do you get what I am saying here? It’s like when you have had a hellish week and you are so tired and show up to church anyway. You are greeted with “Hi how are you?! How was your week?” And if you really told them you would start crying and you don’t want to be a burden or come across as too much. Years of conditioning tells you that right now is not the time or place to be really honest so instead of owning it and saying something like “You know I could really use some encouragement after this week, I would love to tell you more about what happened after service,” you brush off an opportunity for that eager human in front of you to be on your team. Returning their invitation with something like, “It was great, how was yours?” hoping that by turning the question back on them it will give your nervous system just a small enough break to suck back whatever emotion you just felt to be able to slip into service unnoticed and unaffected.
Performance doesn’t have to look shiny or in a spotlight. Performance just means putting on a mask.
I am someone who has big emotions and wears them on my sleeve. I have a hard time hiding what I am feeling so performance also looks like shoving all my big emotions down. I tell my youth students all the time that when they shove their emotions down (suppressing) it’s like pushing volleyball underwater. It will always spring back up with double the force it was pushed down with. There is some sort of over-my-head physics happening here that I am missing. Somebody out there who wants to explain that to me…go for it!
Anywhooo I need to take a page out of my own book when I sense I am starting to push emotions down.
I feel the pressure to prove a lot. Not just at church. Right now in a wedding planning season, I have placed all these expectations on how much planning I get done in a week, and how the wedding is going to look, and there’s pressure around how much I can ask for on my registry or things like invite lists and plus ones. There is pressure around people’s wedding pet peeves and making sure this still feels true to me. There is pressure around prepping to be a “good wife” and figuring out the relational dynamic of prepping for life together as a married couple without actually being married yet.
I feel pressure at work as one of the newest employees. I feel pressure as a creative to make beautiful, meaningful things. I feel the pressure to say things that matter even when they might not matter to the greater culture. I feel pressure as a friend to make sure I am showing up in the ways that my friends need while also holding space for friendships to look different in different seasons. I feel the pressure of Christmas coming to give good gifts (and if you know me, I am a HORRIBLE gift giver LOL). I feel the pressure of wanting to keep old traditions while also making new ones. I feel the pressure to cherish moments and also document them. I feel the pressure to be constantly learning and reading but I am bad at finishing books.
DO YOU SEE IT? There are so many things we can feel pressure to do/say/think etc. Some of that pressure might be external, my guess is a lot of it is an internal narrative that keeps us running seven hundred miles an hour.
So what then? What is there to do about the pressure? Is the pressure a good thing?
As usual, we have more options than what might meet the eye.
We can choose Rest. Sabbath isn’t a suggestion. It is not an option. We can step into holy moments of obedience by taking all the pressure off for a day.
We can choose to prioritize and categorize. Not all pressure is bad. A great way to prioritize when taking specifically the pressure to prove off the table would be to ask, “How can I take steps forward in this that are worshipful, are true to me, and can bless someone else?”
We can choose vulnerability over performance. Wearing masks just doesn’t get us anywhere.
We can choose to be culture setters. See I told you we’d get back here. I think as women who have access to Holy Spirit, we have way more authority to set culture than we give ourselves credit for. Our words matter. When we strive to prove ourselves we set others up to do the same. When we wear masks we send the message that it’s better to be inauthentic. When we don’t tell the whole truth we stop short of moments of breakthrough for ourselves and for the gal listening to our stories.
Sister (and future Sare who is re-reading this because girl you needed to) - You are the Light of the World because Jesus is in you. You have permission to take the pressure to prove off. They are still going to love you. The sticky note to-do list will still get done. The King of Kings still adores you. The people you do life with need you to be a healthy whole human, not a scrambling, performing, striving one.
